Both in counseling and in life in general! — We talk a lot about emotions. But have you ever wondered why you don’t (or don’t) interact with and process your emotions the way you do?
Recently, in my practice, I have become increasingly aware of how important it is to understand the partner’s perspective on emotions. When one partner in a couple is present, conflict avoider Or, if you don’t like difficult emotions and the other person is perfectly fine with discussing difficult things and processing complex emotions, a meta-emotional discrepancy occurs.
meta-emotional discrepancy
According to research from the Gottman Institute on how marriages work, this mismatch can lead to relationship difficulties.
However, better understanding our meta-emotions (and our partners’ meta-emotions) is the kind of secret sauce you may not have heard much about.
Understanding the stories behind how you feel about different emotions can help you better understand your partner and how to communicate when difficult issues arise. It will be. (Actually, in many cases, dream Hidden beneath conflict and resentment, if you have the courage to dig into the underlying stories. )
I recently met a couple facing meta-emotional disagreement. We had several sessions to deeply understand each person’s childhood story and how different emotions were accepted or not accepted. You might find it helpful to do the same with your partner.
For example, consider the emotion of sadness. Were your parents willing to allow you to experience sadness and hold you until it’s gone? Or did they instead say things like, “Please stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about.” Have you been told that?
Do you know the underlying story of your emotional relationship?
Often the stories underlying our relationship with our emotions are hidden deep within our past. They may be buried so deep that we are unable to communicate to our loved ones the real reasons behind why various emotions are difficult for us.
If you and your partner are ready to dig into these difficult areas, Questions like the following can be a good starting point:
- What was it like to be sad when you were young?
- Who did you turn to when you were sad or upset? What was their reaction to your grief?
- Did you see your father sad? mother? What about your brother?
- How do you feel when you’re sad now?
- Can you tell me when I’m sad?
- What do you need when you’re sad?what do you do not have need?
These types of questions lead to a deeper understanding of your partner and how you meet them where they are, especially when they are going through difficult experiences or managing complex emotions. Helps you understand deeply.
Approach this task with your partner with kindness and gentleness. I’ll reserve judgment. Validate their experience. You might be surprised at how much you know about each other!