“Small things often” is a motto by Dr. John Gottman that refers to the impact small daily actions can have on the happiness and longevity of a relationship.
Certified Gottman Therapist Kimberly Panganiban, LMFT discussed this idea in a recent Gottman Institute webinar. She begins with the concept of a “bid,” a gesture that indicates a need for connection. It can be verbal or nonverbal, and Dr. John Gottman describes them as “the basic units of emotional connection.”
Panganiban said there are various ways to respond to a partner’s bid.
- towards This means you are aware of their bids and respond positively to your partner.
- turn away This means you miss out on bids and don’t respond to your partner.
- be hostile This means noticing the bid and responding negatively.
Happy, stable couples orient 86% of the time, while couples who eventually separate only 33% of the time.
feedback cycle
There is a feedback cycle where development is initiated based on response to bids. They look like this:
turn in direction
- Every time you turn towards your partner, you create a sense of security and connection.
- This allows partners to bid more with confidence.
- As you continue to turn, your bid will continue to increase.
turn away/oppose
- When you turn your back on your partner or disagree with them, they feel rejected and unimportant.
- When these things add up, it becomes questionable whether you will respond or not.
- Bid decreases and you begin to feel isolated.
How to do small things more often
- Pay attention and be attuned to your partner’s attention needs
- View partner bids as opportunities to connect
- Orient yourself in a meaningful way
- Prioritize relationships and minimize distractions (especially technology and social media)
- If you miss a bid, please acknowledge it and apologize
the importance of rituals
Once you begin to notice your bidding within the relationship, you can begin to develop rituals with your partner. That way you don’t have to constantly wait for bids to occur naturally. Creating and ritualizing moments of connection will help you connect with your partner every day. Here are some rituals suggested by Panganiban that are easy to perform and can be incorporated into your daily life.
- Farewell and 6 seconds kiss: Don’t leave home without knowing one interesting thing that will happen on your partner’s day. Let’s kiss each other for 6 seconds…this is a kiss with potential!
- praise and gratitude: Build positive mental habits and say gratitude out loud.
- love: Examples include hugging, cuddling on the couch, holding hands, and giving each other massages. Affection can trigger the release of oxytocin, the “cuddle” hormone associated with good moods.
- Alumni reunion and stress reduction conversation: Create a “couple bubble” with space to discuss stressful situations. The speaker shares external stressors (to the relationship) and the listener empathizes with the partner’s emotions. They reflect, ask questions, and stand by their partner.
- date night: Use this time to create a love map. Don’t talk about children, work, or household responsibilities. It doesn’t have to be elaborate, but just plan it out and be creative.
next step
Start slow, it’s not a race. Don’t expect perfection. Remember, small actions have a big impact.If you are in trouble, please seek guidance from an expert. Gottman trained therapist.Please check gottman relationship coach!