I’m not talking about that kind of impasse. I’m talking about the emotional logjam that occurs within a relationship that involves similar and other emotions such as feeling stuck, frustrated, and helpless. The holiday season is the perfect time to rethink how you approach stuck issues that arise in your relationships.
At Dr. Gottman’s new york times best selling books 7 principles for a successful marriage, he points out that 69% of conflicts in relationships are about issues that cannot be resolved. Even if you marry someone else, they will still remain. They just become another eternal problem.
An impasse in a relationship is when you and your partner reach an impasse because you and your partner disagree on how to proceed. Couples can experience an impasse on any issue, and the greater the impasse, the more often they become stuck on other things as well.
Getting stuck is difficult because it’s often caused by our deepest dreams, desires, and emotions being blocked. I’ve seen couples get stuck on topics like how to raise children, practice a particular faith, or a new job. Getting unstuck this holiday season is the best gift you can give your relationship.
What to do when you feel stuck
Ironically, traffic jams are an opportunity. You think you’ll feel terrible in the moment, but it can actually create an opportunity to understand your partner better and grow closer. Here are some exercises you can do to get out of a dead stop.
1. Empathize with your partner.
As difficult as it may be, ask for more details about their perspective. Perhaps there is a story behind their desires. Find their stories, listen carefully, and empathize.
2. Be respectful.
You don’t have to understand or agree with your partner’s point of view, but it’s important to accept it. Saying, “Well, there’s something strange about the way you celebrate Christmas,” can alienate your partner and prevent further discussion. Being respectful is a choice and helps define the kind of partner you want to be.
3. Compromise temporarily.
Dr. Gottman’s research shows that the problem does not need to be solved and probably never will be. You’ll probably be talking about these issues for decades. The trick is to get used to talking to each other in a certain way that allows you to find common ground and temporarily compromise.
4. Remember the honeymoon phase?
Do you remember the first time you met and swapped stories over dinner? You laughed together and shared personal details. We weren’t trying to change each other. You were celebrating someone you just met. Get back to that mindset this season. If your partner suggests an idea, remember what you said on your first few dates and try saying something similar. Please accept suggestions.
find a compromise
As we grow and change as humans, unsolvable problems are inevitable. It’s unpleasant to disagree with your partner, but if you decide to date someone else, that’s part of the deal. Psychologist Dan Weil writes in his book: after honeymoon: “When you choose a long-term partner, you inevitably choose certain unsolvable problems.” They change over the years. Although it may sound scary, it’s also an opportunity to deepen your connection and continue to get to know each other better over time.
A good compromise requires both people to have self-respect and respect for their partner. Everyone has values and dreams, but you can still find some commonalities. Dr. Gottman calls this the “flexible zone.” Perhaps you don’t want your children to practice your partner’s faith as children, but celebrate the holiday with the caveat that they will choose for themselves when they are old enough. There may be no problem with that. Perhaps you want to get a dog, but your partner doesn’t want to keep a dog, so you might agree to cover the costs of caring for the dog.
You don’t have to change your mind or do things that don’t make sense for your partner, but you do need to be kind to each other and acknowledge each other’s growth. The alternative is similar to being stuck in traffic for a long time.
give in to win
One of the most powerful ideas associated with relationship impasses is the concept of compromise. Giving in means summoning your best self and offering grace and acceptance to your partner. Compromising requires emotional intelligence and love for your partner, but it works because your partner is more likely to notice your kindness and return the favor. Saying “yes” is an act of faith and a decision to move the relationship forward rather than remaining stuck.
Beat traffic jams this holiday season
Remember that it is by your side that your partner wants to grow. You are co-creators of life together. Giving both partners room to be happy during the holidays will breathe new life into every part of your bond, friendship, and romance throughout the year.