Before I got married, I had several idyllic dreams about what our married life would be like. For example, I imagined my husband and I always spending a leisurely day together. Perhaps we’ll enjoy the sunset, have dinner together, and then lounge on the couch. However, my husband often works late, and by the time he gets home, the sun has long passed and the day has been swallowed up by night. You are also often exhausted and hungry. All you need at that time is a warm bath and a meal.
Over time, I learned to accept this and other unmet expectations in my stride. However, this was not always the case. In the beginning of our marriage, I would blow a gasket every time I felt my spouse was falling short of my expectations. With a huff of breath, I demanded a certain action or behavior from him. Sometimes he gave in to the pressure and indulged me, but other times he didn’t. In the end, we both end up caught in a web of resentment.
We all marry people with our own flaws and weaknesses, so it goes without saying that we all have to contend with unmet expectations. Our spouses are far from perfect. They may be doing their best, but they still can’t meet all of our needs or cater to all of our whims. Facing this reality can feel like a corner.
Unmet expectations can cause resentment and frustration. This article will help you put things into perspective when dealing with unmet expectations in your marriage.
1. Be realistic
Let’s be honest: Sometimes we expect too much from our spouses. For example, her husband may expect his wife to always maintain a close relationship, stay in shape even after becoming a mother, and keep the house clean. Her wife, on the other hand, knows that her knight in shining armor is always by her side, listening to her complaints, organizing dates every week without fail, and spending all her free time with her. you might expect.
And while you should love each other and do whatever it takes to meet each other’s needs, remember that you have limits. I’m sure we’ll be able to exceed each other’s expectations. Additionally, men and women often have very different needs. What you consider a priority in your marriage may not seem to matter to your spouse. They need to learn your needs and take the time to master your love language. As you do so, you may stumble or stumble. You need to be patient with them and give them the benefit of the doubt.
2. Separating the wheat from the chaff
Moderation is important when expectations are not met. All unmet expectations should not be ignored. There are certainly some “deal breakers” out there, and they shouldn’t be ignored. For example, we expect our spouse to be faithful to us. If those expectations are not met and one spouse engages in infidelity, the offended spouse should not blame it on “unmet expectations.”
Infidelity is a harmful vice in a marriage and often requires therapy for couples to heal. But other unmet expectations are not deal breakers. For example, if your spouse irritates you by not taking care of herself, you can easily ignore it because it doesn’t seriously threaten the health of your marriage.
Therefore, couples need to separate the wheat from the chaff while dealing with unmet expectations. If the current problem is primarily about personality differences and does not threaten the core of the marriage, the offended spouse may choose to ignore it.
3. Accept your spouse’s weaknesses.
“Bear with one another with all humility and gentleness, with patience, and with love.” (Ephesians 4:2)
Part of the reason your spouse can’t meet all your expectations is that, just like you, they have various weaknesses. The Bible teaches that we all stumble in different ways (James 3:2). None of us are perfect. Perhaps your spouse’s weakness is forgetting important dates or procrastinating. But that doesn’t mean they’re terrible people or in a bad way. It just shows that they are human.
Studying your partner and noting their weaknesses will help you avoid being too gutless when they fail. As their ally, you can also help address their weaknesses rather than criticize or attack them. Remember that forgiveness is a daily component of a healthy marriage. Stop obsessing over your spouse’s weaknesses and learn to endure them with love.
4. Maintain clear communication
I know firsthand the importance of clear communication. Because it revolutionized my marriage. Previously, I held onto a grudge, hoping that my girlfriend’s husband would read my mind and understand what was making me feel bad. Your guess is as accurate as mine – he never thought about the problem at hand. I quickly realized this tactic wasn’t working and threw it out the window. Instead, I learned to articulate my frustrations.
Clear communication helps address unmet expectations. Perhaps your spouse has a good reason for acting that way, but you won’t know until you talk. Clear communication can help eliminate misunderstandings, increase marital satisfaction, and clarify expectations. It also fosters respect and trust, increasing emotional intimacy. Every time you choose to communicate with your spouse instead of hiding your problems, you breathe new life into your marriage.
5. Connect with other couples
“A person who isolates himself pursues his own desires and rages against all wise decisions.” (Proverbs 18:1).
“And let us consider how we can inspire one another to love and good deeds, not by forsaking meeting each other, as those who are accustomed to do, but by encouraging one another; and Especially as we see that day approaching.”Hebrews 10:24-25).
Interacting regularly with other couples can help you appreciate your spouse. As you interact with other couples, you will notice that they too have conflicts and weaknesses. This will help you put your relationship into perspective and help you feel better about your marriage. It will help you realize that you are not alone in facing challenges as you strive for a great marriage. Many other couples are walking the same path.
Plus, connecting with other couples can give you new ideas and perspectives, reignite your passion, inject fun into your marriage, keep you accountable, and foster a stronger marriage. Remember, as iron sharpens iron, so one sharpens the face of a friend (Proverbs 27:17).
6. Don’t compare your spouse.
Yes, you are deeply dissatisfied with your marriage as you deal with one unmet expectation after another. but. Don’t go down the rabbit hole of comparing your spouse to others. Because that could be the last straw that breaks the camel’s back. Comparing spouses will lead you to value others more highly than your spouse and lead you down a path of no return. Even the good qualities your spouse has will quickly fade away in your eyes.
Instead, choose to tolerate their weaknesses, communicate clearly, and empathize with them. This will go a long way in dealing with unmet expectations.
Related Resources: Listen to The Real Relationship Talk Podcast!
Dana Choi is the founder of Thrive Relationships, a marriage and relationship coach and host. Real Relationship Talk Podcast. Danna’s mission is unique. It is about helping people thrive in their relationships with the Lord and with each other. Click the play button below to hear her story about overcoming unrealistic expectations in her marriage.
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Kellen Kanyago Freelance writer and blogger. Spring of child rearing. The wife and mother uses her blog to reflect on related issues regarding her parenting, marriage, and Christian faith. She has a degree in Mass Communication and specializes in print media.follow her Facebook and Instagram Or send an email to kerenkanyago@gmail.com.
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